Rate Your Mate

You are wondering if you and your partner are truly compatible. Find out instantly with this foolproof method based on five simple principles of comparison.


There are five essential elements which can be easily and effectively used to determine the degree or success potential of long-term relational compatibility between you and anyone in whom you are interested. They are based in universal principle and reflect the fundamental building blocks of nature. They are earth, water, fire, air and ether. These elements represent the five categories in which you would seek a loving exchange with your chosen mate. The greater the number of these five areas which resonate for the two of you, the greater the indication of compatibility between you.

1) Earth represents physical compatibility. It amounts to physical attraction and a kind of visceral connection. In truth, physical attraction should be the lowest consideration on the totem pole and may not even be an essential requirement for a successful relationship. However, it is nonetheless the category with which most people seem to be preoccupied in this day and age. And, the greater the physical attraction, the more we are drawn to a person. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And everyone seeks to surround themselves with some form of beauty, relative to their own subjective perception. So, if you regard a person as attractive, beautiful or physically compelling, you have the basis for a greater interest to develop. Besides physical appearance, people have their little ways and manners and mannerisms that can also be very attractive. Personal aroma can be very compelling as well since we all emit pheromones and people don’t usually bond with those whose bodily aroma they find repugnant. In determining your physical compatibility with someone, ask yourself, ‘How attractive do I find this person? Do I want to be around him? Do I want to be close to him? Does he make me melt?’

2) Water represents emotional compatibility. It is the emotional bond that develops between two people. From the initial feeling of warmth, increased appreciation for that person begins to grow into an emotional connection. After time, that will turn into an attachment. That attachment is usually in the form of desiring to shower the other person with kindness and loving gestures. And wanting to feel recognized, appreciated and loved by him in return. Emotional compatibility is measured by your development of a real and genuine caring for the other person. What happens to him and what is going on in his life actually matters to you. You feel a real heart connection between you which strengthens over time. You become sensitive to your partner’s needs and therefore considerate of them. You begin to anticipate how he will react to particular news or events. You become committed to increasing his joy and happiness and reducing his stress and suffering. These are all symptoms of an emotional bond.

It is worth noting that people who begin a sexually intimate relationship early on which then becomes the dominant feature in their interaction also develop what they feel is an emotional attachment for each other. Sexual intimacy is a powerful force in opening the hearts of two people toward each other. And a so-called emotional attachment can then develop very quickly. You hear them say, "I love him," or "We’re in love." This kind of emotional attachment is rarely love at this early stage and in very few cases does it actually blossom into real love once the sex is removed or when their real natures begin to emerge. It is more accurately an attachment brought on by repeated sexual intimacy. It is, in effect, an attachment to being attached. It is an attachment to the powerful stimulus of sexual intimacy. If you want to test whether or not there is a real emotional bond present between you, refrain from sex for a month and see how you get along. Does your love grow in other ways and are you still as deeply attached at the end of the month?

You will come to see that all five elements combine to produce the loving experience. Love is not simply restricted to the category of water representing the emotional dynamic. This category more specifically refers to how you feel when you're with your beloved. Are you happy, sad, frustrated or indifferent? How do you feel about yourself in relation to your partner? What influence does your mate have on your self-esteem, on your overall happiness and your joie de vivre?

3) Fire represents ideological compatibility. This is an area that many people tend to overlook, especially at the outset of a relationship. Fire represents what you stand for in life. It is what defines you as a person interacting with the world around you. It represents your life purpose and the principles you embody. It encompasses the ideals you strive to attain and personify in your life. It may well represent your contribution to the world at large. It is defined by your values.

For example, you may be a vegetarian motivated by compassion for animals and your mate may be a meat-eater. You may be committed to saving the forests and your husband may run a logging company. You may be on the left politically and your spouse may be on the right. You may be a Jew and your new boyfriend is a Muslim who wants to bring you home for Ramadan. You may be a non-drinker and your new man can’t seem to say no to a drink at social gatherings or when you’re not around. You may be a devout spiritual practitioner who is committed to serving God and your mate who practices yoga believes that he is God. This should work well in his favor! You may believe that a woman’s body is a sovereign state and that she can abort her children at will while your lover who accidentally got you pregnant may be an anti-abortion crusader. You may be a socialist and your husband may be a capitalist dedicated to profit at all costs. You may campaign strongly against the legalization of marijuana yet your fiancé may come home each night and fire up the bong just to take the edge off. You may be scrupulously honest and your new man may take every opportunity to cheat people whenever he feels he can get away with it. Would such people actually enter into relationship, you ask? Yes, it happens all the time. Although many people will go a long way in tolerating their differences of opinion, these differences really undergo scrutiny when the children come along. What will your atheist husband say about your firm determination to raise your children in the Catholic church even though you yourself can never be found there on Sundays what to speak of weekdays?

4) Air represents intellectual compatibility. This is the realm of ideas, opinions and communication. Does your mate talk about things that interest you besides cars and sports? Are you stimulated by his ideas, the way his mind works and what he thinks about? By far, the greatest amount of time spent together in relationship is spent talking and communicating with each other. This may amount to practical conversations about the day’s duties or household chores but it will also include social interactions and pillow talk. I remember seeing one couple who were out to dinner together. He read the newspaper while she read a book. They spoke not a word between them during the entire meal. Perhaps they were just taking a break from each other. Or maybe apathy had truly overtaken their relationship.

Women often complain that their partners won’t talk to them and really communicate with them. Men often grumble that women talk too much, that ‘She never leaves me alone. She won’t shut up!’ I suppose there is a happy medium here someplace in deference to both partners. You may insist that both you and your spouse are quiet and introspective. Neither of you likes to talk that much. In which case you probably just enjoy being around one another. And it works. That may be one of the main features of your compatibility. However, that is not the case in the majority of relationships. In the vast majority of relationships, there is usually a lot of talking going on. And hopefully, not when the big game is on TV!

How many shared subjects of interest do you have and what are they? Clothing and fashion? Houses and home improvement? Gardening? Sports?What the neighbors are up to? Planning foreign vacations? Philosophy and spirituality? Your ongoing therapy sessions? How many things do you really enjoy talking about together? How many times have I heard, ‘I try and talk with her but it always ends up in a shouting match.’ Maybe your compatibility is that you both enjoy conflict and argument. Or perhaps you lie in wait for the opportunity to pounce on your mate whenever she makes a mistake so that you can delight in proving that she screwed up, that you were right and she was wrong.

If one of you is well educated and the other is not, that may create a void for the person who is used to the intellectual stimulus of thoughtful people and their ideas. One of you may have a very practical and pragmatic mind while the other has trouble focusing on the task at hand and lacks common sense. One may have a brilliant mind but can never remember where he put anything. These are just a few examples of how we may differ intellectually in relationship.

5) Ether or Space represents spiritual compatibility. There is a small percentage of persons out there who have realized that their true nature is that of a soul. The soul animates the body and gives it life. These persons strive to develop their higher consciousness and awareness in accordance with their true spiritual identity. They are on the path heading back to the spiritual world, the place where we all belong. This is the destination of all beings. Once this awareness takes place, it is very difficult to go back to being a materialist who acts only for the benefit of the body, stimulated by the five senses. This is the most challenging category in which to find a suitable mate, especially for women. Since women take to spiritual practice in far greater numbers than men in our modern world, they oftentimes try to set aside or suppress their higher nature and interests when in relationship with a man who is not concerned with such things. I have met literally thousands of women like this. Sometimes, women tell me they have found a new man. I ask them if he is spiritual and frequently I hear this reply, "Oh yes, he is very spiritual. He just doesn’t know it yet!" The poor woman so desperately wants to have an enlightened relationship that she tries to convince herself that the man with the pleasant disposition she is dating is actually spiritual. They will give the benefit of the doubt to men who have never taken any steps toward working on themselves or trying to bring themselves closer to God and their own divine nature. It is much easier for spiritual men to find an enlightened mate since there are so many conscious women out there.

Ideally, a man should be more advanced on the spiritual path than his mate according to yoga philosophy since he is, in effect, the ‘guru’ figure in the relationship. He is meant to guide his wife and family on the spiritual path. A woman can certainly serve that function very adequately but if her man is not interested in such things, he is not likely to follow her lead. It is challenging for anyone to try and lift another person up regarding consciousness and enlightenment. It is even harder for a woman to do this with a man. That is why any realized woman who mates with a man who has less conscious awareness than she is actually ‘marrying down,’ so to speak. Many women do it for the sake of practicality but it doesn’t mean they are satisfied by it.

There are many recognized religions in this world to which one may belong. People who are religious are not necessarily spiritual. Religious practice is usually motivated by fear — fear of God, fear of sin, fear of hell, fear of other religions, fear of punishment, fear of eternal damnation. Spiritual awareness is usually inspired by love — love of God, love of one’s fellow man, love of all beings, love and respect for nature. This category of spiritual compatibility is less about differences in religious practice as mentioned above in the category of ideological compatibility. It is more about a level of awareness that one may possess. So if you are spiritual and your boyfriend is religious, you may well find yourselves at odds with one another.

One may be religious like the Muslims and the Christians during the Crusades and one’s sole thought may be to kill the opposing religious fanatic. Today, Muslim suicide bombers still blow up those whom they believe to be infidels or non-believers, including their fellow Muslims (which is a little confusing). This is clearly not spiritual behavior. Probably the greatest area of difference in this category is whether or not you believe you are God or are here to serve God. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Jews and practitioners of Dvaita philosophy or Dualism all believe they are here to serve God. Practitioners of Advaita philosophy or Monism believe they are God. Buddhists believe in no God. Their highest truth is nirvana, the cessation of material life and physical embodiment. To simplify, if you believe you are here to serve God and your mate believes he is God, then you may be at odds philosophically.

The goal of spiritual people is ultimately enlightenment. The goal of materialistic people is sense enjoyment. These paths veer in diametrically opposing directions.

Before I show you how easy it is to rate your mate, I want to present yet another means of evaluating a potential relationship. When you first meet someone to whom you are attracted, it is a good idea to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I attracted to him primarily because of his car, his wealth or his status?

2. Am I attracted to him primarily because of his physical appearance?

3. Am I attracted to him primarily because of his personality?

4. Am I primarily attracted to his soul or his essence?

Each one of these reasons for attraction is a progressively higher and subtler level of appreciation. If you answered yes to numbers 1 or 2, it won’t be long before your relationship is in trouble. Those things may be appealing to you and you may prefer them in a man but they are predominantly materialistic considerations and will not be enough to maintain a long-term relationship. You will need to aim higher and dive deeper if you want a lasting and meaningful relationship.

Using the chart below, go ahead and "Rate Your Mate." Assign the points to each category in an honest and forthright manner. Be truthful. This can be used to evaluate anyone with whom you are considering entering into an intimate relationship, male or female. In addition to the chart, if you are a woman don’t forget to consider whether or not your mate is strong enough for you. It is a simple yes or no. There is no middle of the road in this category. If you are a man, consider whether you are strong enough for your mate. It is again a simple yes or no. Remember, relationships work best when the man assumes the male role and the woman the female role. This is nature in action.